Sex Addiction

placeholder

Is there hope?

Yes.  I have seen countless individuals and couples work through horrendously painful situations when they thought their relationship was over.  I have seen couples who had already filed for divorce reconnect in new loving ways they never thought possible. There is always hope!

Defining Sex Addiction and Sexually Compulsive Behavior

It is important for people seeking treatment to understand the difference between “sex addiction” and sexually compulsive behavior in order to know what type of treatment is best suited to you.

The truth is that sex isn’t something humans become addicted to.  By definition, people who are addicted to something have withdrawal symptoms when they abruptly stop the addictive behavior. Tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine are all examples of addictive substances that each have specific withdrawal symptoms.  On the other hand; eating, shopping, and being sexual are examples of behaviors that people can become compulsive about, but not addicted to.  By way of example, alcoholics who stop drinking can experience withdrawal symptoms called Delirium Tremens (commonly known as DT’s).  On the other hand, people who stop looking at Internet porn do not experience physical withdrawal symptoms.  This is an important distinction when you consider your alternatives for treatment.

Treatment Options

The fundamental decision for those seeking treatment is to decide whether you want to follow the sex addiction model or a compulsive behavior model for healing.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has helped millions of alcoholics and their families.  When it comes to substance abuse, abstinence is the goal and AA is a proven treatment approach.  On the other hand, sexual activity is not something that most people are seeking to abstain from.  In at least one of the popular twelve-step programs for “sex addiction” the definition of sobriety is “no sexual activity unless it is between a married man and a married woman, with no masturbation for the rest of your life.”  That approach has helped many people.  I have many clients who attend twelve-step support groups and see me for individual counseling and couples counseling.

Alternative to Twelve-Step Programs

Like many other certified sex therapists however I treat the situation as a compulsive behavior and carefully tailor the treatment plan to the client. My approach is non-judgemental, supportive, and systemic.  By systemic I mean that I treat the couple as well as the individual.  In our work together you won’t hear terms like sober, sobriety or addict.  I don’t believe that it is necessary for most people to go through the rest of their life with the shame of having been labeled a “sex addict.”  The idea is to help people transform, heal  and regain control of their lives so that sex can be enjoyed in a healthy manner.

Each client situation is different and therefore I work with the individual and or couple accordingly.  Some people are one click away from losing their job, spouse or partner.  My goal is to provide my clients with new behavioral tools during the very first session in order to help support the client in changing the undesirable behavior and start creating a new life that is free of sexual shame and guilt.

For Spouses & Partners

I applaud individuals who seek treatment on their own however the truth is that most people who are seeking treatment for sexually compulsive behavior are doing so because they got caught by an employer, spouse, parent, or partner.  The pain felt by the partner can be indescribable and if you are experiencing these feelings you are not alone.  When it comes to sexually compulsive behavior I strongly encourage the couple to participate in therapy together, otherwise how can there be true healing and the re-establishment of trust.  Although it may be difficult to see a bright side, I have found that many couples who undergo this process come out the other side with newfound heights of love, intimacy, connectedness and communication skills.

Who to tell

The short answer is to tell as few people as possible.  A common scenario for people seeking treatment is that one partner has caught the other partner acting out sexually.  The first partner is terribly hurt and the natural tendency is want to talk to a friend, child, parent or sibling.  I encourage my couples to be very selective about who you share this information with.  Once you have told your mother that your husband is a “sex addict” you can’t un-ring that bell.  If you have already told people that you wished you hadn’t, that’s okay too.  We’ll work with the reality of your situation, whatever it is.

Twelve-Step Programs

For those who are seeking a twelve-step program, below are links to the largest three support groups. The goal of all three groups is to help each other stay sober.  SA is generally considered to be the most rigid while many women with sexually compulsive behavior tend to find SLAA to be the most welcoming.  Much of the benefit you will receive from these group support meetings will be dependent on the leader of the particular group you join, so you will want to select carefully.

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) www.sa.org

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) www.saa-recovery.org

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) www.slaafws.org