Countless couples come to me on the verge of divorce. The last two weeks were particularly difficult for me to see so many nice people in so much pain. By the time they get to me, there is often much unresolved anger, a lack of trust, no empathy and an overall sense of hopelessness. If the couple is in love and are at least willing to explore the option of remaining married, then I say damn the torpedos and full speed ahead. Some of the best relationships have been built from the ashes of broken hearts. No matter how bad it seems, no matter who has done what to whom, there is always hope. I tell my clients that I will often fight for their marriage longer than they will. Until my client says “stop” I’m focused on solutions and possibilities. It’s not easy work for the couples and it can get intense, but it’s worth the effort. At worst, a couple who fully engages with a good counselor will never be able to look back with regrets for not making the effort. In these tough economic times, I often hear couples say they can’t afford therapy, to which I respond, “then you certainly can’t afford divorce.” If you are on the brink of divorce, just remember one thing: You can always get divorced, but once you get divorced you can’t un-ring the bell. www.doctorcannon.com
I’m in Canada speaking tonight. Many people ask what it means when I say that my life mission is to help make the world a more sex positive place and here’s but one example. Cross culturally the differences between Canada and my beloved America are vast. The former Prime Minister of Canada, Pierre Trudeau said, “The government doesn’t belong in our bedrooms.” In contrast, the US the government seems to think that our bedroom is their bedroom, e.g., it remains illegal to sell sex toys in certain US states. Sad but true! On the other hand In Canada sex toys are legal and, comprehensive sexuality education is the norm. Did you know that in the US, states only receive federal funding for abstinence only education? Kids don’t have less sex in the US, they just have more un-safe sex. That’s why the US has the highest rate of un-wanted teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases in the western world. I say let’s learn from our northern neighbors and start catching up with the rest of the western world. Hale Canada! www.doctorcannon.ceom
Olympic star Michael Phelps was dumped by Kelloggs Corn Flakes this week for smoking pot. Interestingly, Kelloggs has a long history of rigidity. Dr. John Harvey Kellogg originally created corn flakes as a health food back in 1906. Kellogg was an influential author and proponent of health and nutrition. Unfortunately, Dr. Kellogg also believed that many types of sexual activity were extremely unhealthy. One of Dr. Kelloggs extreme beliefs was that masturbators required rehabilitation that included genital cages, sewing the foreskin of the penis shut and electric shock. Genital mutilation was also an option that included circumcision without anesthetic for boys and carbolic acid on the clitoris for girls. According to Kellogg, “The most loathsome reptile, rolling in the slush and slime of its stagnant pools, would not bemean itself by masturbating.” The moral of the story is that next time you boys choke the chicken, or you girls tickle the taco, just be thankful Dr. Kellogg wasn’t your pediatrician. www.doctorcannon.com
I had a record number of visits to my blog yesterday when I wrote about spanking. Since there was so much interest in the topic it seems that one good spanking deserves another. There were four recent scientific studies conducted on the mental health of BDSM practitioners. Each study found no evidence of psychopathology and there has never been a study that suggests anything to the contrary. One study even found that BDSM practitioners have IQ’s that are 10 points higher than members of the general population. Not only can BDSM be a healthy form of sexual expression between consenting adults, but as a group, those who participate may also be smarter than the average person. BDSM is a complex game of role-play and costumery requiring thought, communication skills and trust. Perhaps BDSM is to sex what chess is to checkers. The kinksters may have just declared “checkmate!” www.doctorcannon.com
I had a client last week who loves to be spanked as foreplay. Her husband is reluctant. He wants to know why she wants to be spanked and is it normal. The first thing we need to do is forget about why. We don’t know why and it’s not important. What is important is what you do with the desire for alternative forms of sexual expression and how you integrate them into your life and your relationship. 10% to 14% of Americans participate in BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism). BDSM is not to be confused with violence and rage. BDSM is a form of sexual role play between consenting adults. If it feels good to both of you then I say go for it, Ricky. www.doctorcannon.com
One of the biggest challenges couples of all ages face is the use of what I call the two “killer words,” i.e., “always” and “never.” You always do this and you never do that! Always and never are relationship killers because they don’t allow for growth and change. I love this picture of two young newlyweds. Partly because it is my son and his bride, both of whom I dearly love. But also because this image is symbolic of love and intimacy when couples are walking forward instead of looking backwards. Happy anniversary, kids! www.doctorcannon.com
Guilt is feeling bad for what we did, i.e., “I had unprotected sex.” Shame is feeling bad for who we are, i.e., “I’m a slut.” Shame is that inner voice that says, “I’m not good enough.” For many people shame becomes the core belief of who we are and eats away at the deepest part of our soul. The roots of shame are often found in childhood events, a rigid religious upbringing, or traumatic events like rape. For people who have been abused or traumatized there are often feelings of self blame, i.e., “It’s my fault. I’m no good or I wouldn’t have been treated so badly.” There is no cookie cutter formula for treating shame but overcoming it is possible and life changing. If you feel bad about who you are, today might be a good day to start the healing process. There is always hope, potential and possibility. Sometimes we just need a little help to see the bright light shining at the end of the tunnel. www.doctorcannon.com
Sexual desire is the number one concern people bring to my sex therapy practice. One partner wants more and one partner wants less. This is particularly true with new parents. Mom’s hormones are running rampant after the birth of a child, the baby is screaming bloody murder, the new dad doesn’t know what to do, etc., etc. I am pleased to say that there is a “must read” book just published on the subject written by my colleague and friend, Dr. Ian Kerner, author of “She Comes First.” Ian’s new book is called, “Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents’ Guide to Getting it On Again”. When the going gets tough, sex is the glue that holds relationships together. Ian’s book may be the best relationship insurance policy that parents can buy! www.doctorcannon.com
It is 4 degrees below zero here in Denver tonight. Yes kids, that’s Fahrenheit and that doesn’t account for wind chill. The weather and a few sad clients remind me of just how many people become depressed from the cold short days and decreased sunshine. There is no reimbursement code for “cabin fever” so now the medical community calls it Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). How’s that for a fitting acronym? Kidding aside, the feelings of sadness are real and people who already struggle with low libidos are swimming against the tide. So what’s a girl or guy to do? The most common treatments are antidepressants, light therapy, and or psychotherapy. Alternatively, a free organic approach that works for many people is to get sunshine when you can find it and sit next to a bright window. Seek professional help if you need it and always remember that SAD is temporary because spring is on the way! www.doctorcannon.com
Mental health professionals across the globe have a little known “secret code book” used to diagnose mental illness, i.e., depression, anxiety, etc. In the US it is called the DSM while in Europe it is called the ICD. Psychiatrists generally get paid by insurance companies and use the codes in this 6 pound, 800 page guerilla of a book to get reimbursed. In other words unless you are diagnosed with a mental illness, the docs don’t get paid, hence there is a diagnosis for everything you can imagine and many you can’t. Attitudes change over time and it used to be that the DSM classified homosexuality as a mental illness until 1973 when the DSM got changed and miraculously millions of homosexuals were “cured.” Today, people involved in sexual behaviors that don’t conform to the norms of society can also be labeled as mentally ill, i.e., consenting adults who participate in sadomasochism, fetishism, etc. This is a big deal because important matters like child custody cases can be effected if one of the parents has been diagnosed with a mental illness. This month in Sweden however they took a giant step towards allowing consenting adults to make adult choices by eliminating six alternative forms of sexual expression from Sweden’s version of the ICD (i.e., sadomasochism, fetishism, and multiple disorders of sexual preferences). Sexuality educators throughout the world are applauding Sweden for their global leadership towards creating a more sex positive planet. Do we really want the government to decide which of our sexual behaviors are okay and which ones are an illness? Not so much! Cheers to the Swede’s. www.doctorcannon.com
