A common question I hear is “why”. Why do I get turned on by this? Why does he want me to do that? We can explore causation and it is certainly natural to wonder however what I try to help people focus on is the “what” rather than the “why.”. The why is interesting to understand and sometimes therapeutically necessary as well, however the what is generally more productive. Things happen and at the end of the day it is our reaction to those events that make the difference in the quality of life. Why something is what it is tends to keep us stuck in the past while thinking about what we are going to do about it allows us to create the future.
For a long and happy marriage, compromise can cause as much pain as pleasure. Compromise by couples is a noble effort that is unfortunately often frat with problems that can lead to resentment. The book, “The New Rules of Marriage” says it nicely. “No matter how hard you may try to take the high road, the discrepancy between the marriage you want and the one you’ve got can gnaw away at you like a slow-growing cancer. When you back away from your real needs, when you stop telling the truth – to your partner and yourself – you shut down…when you shut down the truth, you shut down yourself – your generosity, your sexuality, and your vitality.” Although it is not always easy, I encourage couples to compromise with caution and communicate deeply about their respective needs, wants, desires and dreams.
One more thought about early ejaculation in response to my last post. If we look at early ejaculation in a prehistoric context it makes sense that men ejaculate quickly. Cavemen were actually at great risk when they had sex. During sex man was extremely vulnerable to attack by his enemies so the faster he ejaculated during intercourse the safer he was. Perhaps rapid ejaculators are the strongest of the human species! Perhaps only the rapid ejaculators successfully procreated and survived!
Many men experience early ejaculation and it is hardly surprising when we think about it. We are a time sensitive culture that wants instant gratification, fast food, and movies on demand. Men that talk fast and eat fast, often come fast as well. Being quick and efficient may be the very strength that makes you effective at work however it may not be getting you what you want in bed. Coming more quickly than the man or his partner wants can be the cause of fear, anxiety and shame. The great news is that early ejaculation is easily treatable. To find a certified sex therapist in your area simply go the Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists at www.aasect.org.
A frequent question I hear in my office is “Am I normal?” My response is to try a different question, i.e., am I happy? For many people letting go of worries about normality is a giant step toward internal peace and happiness. Remember too that being normal isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. Albert Einstien was hardly normal and the world would be a different place without his genius.
One way for couples to spice things up is to have sex in unusual places, afterall variety is the spice of life. The kitchen table or on a blanket under the stars are all good ideas. Well, last week a couple in South Africa added spice up their relationship by having sex on a railroad track (not my idea!). Not surprisingly where there are railroad tracks, there are these massive fast moving vehicles called trains! Unfortunately this couple was killed in a manner that was about as gruesome as one can imagine. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times: Practice safer sex, no sex in front of grandma, and most importantly please, no sex in front of a 700 ton locomotive!